Helena

A girl named Helena befriended me about six months ago in a clothes shop.  She was from London and we got along quite well chatting.  She asked for my number and invited me to a party she was throwing at her apartment that night, which happened to be about 2 blocks from where I live.  So, I went.  She then told me there was this jacket that'd look really great on me in the shop and could get me something like 50% off.  

The next day she got me the coat and it was beautiful.  We then went shopping for her.  As we walked into the expensive shop she called the shopgirl over who she clearly knew and said, "Hey Zoe, why didn't you call me back?"  Zoe, a gorgeous Asian girl in heels so high she looked like she was balancing on stilts, looked blindsided.  "I didn't get a call from you, Helena."  

"Yes, you did.  I called you.  Why didn't you call me back?"  It was at this point things between all of us began getting awkward.  My eyes were pointed towards the ceiling and bouncing all over the place.  I would've started whistling if I thought it would help (help ME feel less awkward, I mean).  Helena continued to ask over and over why Zoe didn't return her phone call and finally she said, "Ok.  Let me see if I have the right number for you."  And then proceeded to read this poor stilty girl's phone number out loud in front of me--a total stranger.  I felt embarrassed now.  This was only the second time of meeting Helena and I could clearly understand why Zoe was dodging her calls.  Because she was smart.

After that little incident I began receiving round the clock texts from Helena.  Ones that made me uncomfortable.  Like, "Kat???  Are we meeting up???  Where are you????"  Whoa.  Talk about intense.  The sheer amount of question marks really began to freak me out.  I managed to dodge her almost constantly by making up one lie after another.  "Can't meet, really sorry.  Have to watch a friend's pet."  Or "Ooh, sorry, can't.  Going to get my eyebrows waxed."  And even, "Really, really can't meet you.  My dad's in the hospital."  Finally, I stopped responding altogether hoping she'd take the hint.

One day I answered my mobile without checking the caller ID and was super peeved when I heard Helena's clipped little British accent on the other end.  "Kat???" (Even through the phone I could hear the excessive question marks) "How ARE you??? Where have you been???  Are you avoiding me???"  Oh. Dear. God.  I wanted to scream, "YES!  I think you're a fucking weirdo. Please go far, far away and never come back."  Instead I was nice and chatted with her for a bit.

It was in the middle of the conversation where she said, "I was at work today at the Body Shop and this transvestite came in looking for make-up.  He offered me a job to be his personal stylist and I think I'm going to take it!"  

"What?" Did I just hear this correctly?  "Are you really going to quit your job to be a personal stylist for some random tranny who walked into your shop?"  I couldn't imagine a normal person having that kind of reaction.

"Yes!!!  I mean, he IS dating a professional hockey player so I know he's got money."  I hit my head with my hand in frustration.  I really wanted to not be speaking with this person.  She continued to gab on for another few minutes about how she was going to re-invent this tranny whore and get rich.  I told her good luck and was off of that conversation like a prom dress.

It's been about 4 months now and I got a text from her this morning saying the usual, "Kat??? How are you??? Can we meet for coffee???"  I gave in and said yes for no other reason except I was feeling particularly masochistic towards myself.  She sent another text asking what time and when I didn't respond immediately I got this from her: "Kat???  Please don't disappear on me again..."  Oh for fuck's sake.

I went to go meet her after having been delivered some bad news about my apartment.  She saw me and said, "Hiiii!  I didn't think you were going to come."  I wanted to walk back out the door but then felt guilty about being mean so I prepared myself for a rough hour or so of pretending to be interested in what she had to say.  

She went on for the next hour and a half basically pitching her new business she's just launched and giving me her new cards she designed.  Then she says I'm such a good friend and we need to keep in contact, etc.  I needed a breather so I took off for the bathroom for 5 minutes.  When I came back she was engaged in a really big business pitch on her mobile.  "I will use your products on actresses!  I know David Beckham's photographer really well and my studio will only contain your products."  How David Beckham's photographer fit in on that conversation is beyond me other than the blatant effect of name dropping.  And I still haven't quite figured out if Helena is a compulsive liar or just totally insane.

After I sat through a full 5 minutes of Helena's pitch and staring out the window wishing I were the pigeon eating newspaper off the ground, she finally snapped the phone shut and turned back to me with shining eyes.  Man, I want the pills she's definitely chowing.  Then the nightmare of subleasing would be beyond me and I could justify releasing the wild lunatic inside me.