Phone Conspiracies

I hate fax machines. I hate their horribly irritating 'Beep!......Beep!......Beep!' It makes me want to whip my phone out the window. I can't decide if it is my phone company's fault for giving me a number that clearly resembles someone's fax or if it's the effing idiot trying to fax something and mucking up the buttons.

It's haunting the bf and I. We come home from work and there's 3 messages on the answering machine. It gets my hopes up that someone I know has called. But instead I hear the pooey noise 'Beep!......Beep!......Beep!' I've gotten to the point where I look at the machine and I can't be bothered if its light is blinking. I wonder, "What if it really is someone I know who's trying to reach me? What if someone died? And I'd never know because I was too terrified of hearing a stupid beep from a fucking fax?" Curiousity overwhelms me and as I press the button and hear the beginning 'Beep!' I punch the delete key which such ferocity the phone stand wobbles and falls. Argh!!! I always fall for the blinking light!

It's getting much worse now. The stupid people trying to fax their crap to my phone must be a law firm or hospital or Some Place that people work over night and into the early hours because at 1am or 3am or 6am we have the phone ringing in the apartment. Here's me all groggy with sleep thinking, 'It's work!' or 'Someone's died!' or 'That fucking fax machine again...' and it's always the latter. So now the phone has to be unplugged at night.

You'd think that with all the landline phone drama that I'd use up the bad phone karma. But nah, someone out there in Phoneland wants me pissed off. People keep ringing my mobile and asking for a Matt. It's been happening for a couple months now. I think I've spoken to his mother, his best friend, his girlfriend, his other girlfriend, and his granny. I got a little lippy with the mom. Went off at the poor lady and said, "Lookit. You tell Matt to stop giving out my number. I'm sick of it. Tell him he needs to answer his own phone calls and unless he wants to pay me for being his personal receptionist then I'm not gonna. Compeesh?" No, not really. But I did tell his mother to tell that Matt whoever to stop giving out my number. And she sounded indignant. Arf. Now I tell it to whoever rings me and asks for Matt.

I'm not answering the phone anymore. Am in deep-screen mode and it's gonna stay that way. Please contact me via email or telepathy.