Shower
Babies.
Up the duff. Up the pole. Bun in the oven. Knocked up. Expecting. Preggers. [Insert your own baby-made phrase here]
This stuff scares the poo outta me. I have a baby shower to go to this weekend and it just reminds me of how Not Ready I would be for a mini-me. For the latter half of my childhood I lived in a small town where the norm was to graduate high school at 18, get married after the graduation ceremony, and then kick a couple of kids out by the time 20 rolls around. I ran away from that. Far, far away. Worse than the boogeyman.
I had a close friend give birth a few years ago and she told me, "It's agony. I'm not going to lie. Everyone lied to me. They said it would be ok but IT WASN'T. The worst thing ever." That really makes me want to change my mind...
So no babies. Down with babies. But not in a murdering type way, obv. Just a preventative one. No moody swings or weird food cravings (the lady I'm going to fork over pressies to tomorrow has recently had a craving to eat her own body lotion. No joke). Nothing worse than a bawling, screaming, tantrum-throwing toddler on public transport with snot running down its tear-stained face. On the upside I do like little kids who smile a lot, are quiet, and have heads shaped like spuds. The best part about kids or babies that are Not Mine is that I can Give Them Back when I don't like them anymore.
Hurrah for being baby-less. May it stay that way.
posted by Kathryn @ 10:11 AM
6 Comments:
Nice post.
My girlfriend and I will always be baby-less. Just not on the agenda. Some people think this is odd and some are arrogant enough to assure we'll change our minds. Erm, no. And there's nothing wrong with that.
A friend told this cute story about how when he sleeps in in the mornings, his little bubba comes into the room and puts food lovingly between his dad's parted lips. Dad ususally half wakes and chews the food and sleepily thinks what a cute little tradition this is, funny little bugger.
Recently the kid did the usual thing and everything was warm and fuzzy and cute as usual but sleepy dad took the food from his mouth and put it on the bedside table because it was a bit funny.
Woke later and saw that bub had taken a piece of poo from the cat litter tray and fed it to sleepy dad.
Silly dad.
Ah haha!!!
Gosh, he sounds adorable... That is really, really shitty. Hehe. I bet he watches that kid now. Sleeping with one eye open or perhaps with his mouth closed.
Yeah, people are always saying to me "Oh, you're so young. In ten years you'll be changing your tune." No, I am bloody not. The thought actually terrifies me. That shower yesterday was quite depressing. When the bf came to get me I just kept parroting to him, "No babies. Please. None." And kept looking around in naked fear that a residual child from the shower was behind me.
Yeah, used to get that you'll change your mind one day thing all the time. I always thought yeah well if that happens, so be it, but why the fuck are you so sure it will happen and what is it to you anyway?
I think maybe those people realise that we're going to be a couple of kids forever and that maybe it's best we don't have kids after all.
But if I did I'd probably get a piece of cat poo out of the cat litter box and teach the sleepy little bugger a lesson.
Kidding of course.
Of course...
I like hanging out with (well-behaved) children but I love more the fact that I can give them back to their parents afterwards! I just do not have the energy or patience to be a parent right now or in my mind for the next twenty years.
I don't like babies because of the simple fact that they wake up constantly. I know myself pretty well and I know that I am quite grouchy and sullen when woken up unexpectantly! I'm sure I'd turn it off if I had a baby in the house, but that isn't exactly what I had in mind.
I think that if I ever had children I would wait until I was in my mid to late forties or fifties and that I would ADOPT them. And no babies either, I prefer older children or adolescents. I feel like you can have a significant impact on them before they leave the nest (so to speak).
I just really, really, really don't want any kids. Although, many of my friends dream about when they will have theirs and baby showers and weddings...and oh my god, I'm going to hurl.
I hope to always be a bridesmaid, NEVER a bride! I haven't met a man that I could stand being married to for the next 60 years (my maternal grandparents record to beat)!
Even if by some miracle I did get married, if my husband insisted on us having our own kids, we WILL be paying for a surrogate to carry them for us because I just have NO DESIRE to carry another human being inside of me!
Bit of a rant, huh?!
"Although, many of my friends dream about when they will have theirs and baby showers and weddings...and oh my god, I'm going to hurl."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Hurrah for rants! Let it out, Justina. Let it out. You're among friends here. We understand you.
When you think about how you actually have a child it is fucking frightening. Like a small alien spawn-type thing in your stomach that you have to push out. Yikes.
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