Sidewalk Wars

Making my way up Washington Boulevard this morning towards work I was booking it. The Prodigy's Voodoo People shuffled onto my ipod and the music was inspiring me to sprint. But I didn't. Because that would look silly. I was wearing a skirt and carrying a biggish purse and it wouldn't be like a movie where the girl is in a hurry and running because she's late.

I'm a fast walker, naturally, and sometimes I play games with the other pedestrians. I'm faster than about 95% of the public on the sidewalks. Oh yeah, I'm that fast. I leave dust behind me. So I weave in and out and the object of my game is to NOT get stuck behind anyone. I can not emphasise how effing annoying it is to get behind a slow person and there's no way around because they keep blocking you from sliding in front of them . Even worse is when you're stuck behind a whole gaggle of slow-walking geese and there's NO way out except for the on-coming traffic in the street. When these strenuous times occur I take a deep breath and remind myself that it is not a national catastrophe if I have to slow down for approximately 3.5 seconds. I think walking sometimes brings out the worst in me. I'm really competitive. And no one is aware that they are my competitors. It's like Road Rage for walking. Sidewalk Rage.

Whilst playing this somewhat satisfying game with strangers occasionally there are people who are JUST as fast as me and sometimes, rarely, there are those who are FASTER than me. This is hard to imagine but it is true. Such an occasion happened today. So, there I was with "Voodoo people magic people" ringing in my ears and cruising happily in the humidless sunny morning air. I see a dark shape loom up at the traffic light to my right. What's this? I got an elbow in my upper right arm as a portly man with a briefcase started forward.

I looked over and he was already almost half-way across the street. Right! He's not going to beat me, the professional portly fucker. I sped up and got even then got ahead by a few feet. Ha, ah hahaha! Take that! The light ahead was red so I stopped but the effer kept going, somehow he KNEW the light was changing at that EXACT moment. His brief case had smacked against me when he passed and I started to get all American on his ass thinking, "Oh, no you did-ent! Asshole!"

Slipping in and out, left to right of the people I caught up and managed to pass in front. Then I blocked him. Oh, yes. I did the dirty deed. But we were playing dirty, see? He had already elbowed me and hit me with his fucking briefcase so I felt it was ok to block his path. At the corner of Washington and Wacker he dodged right whilst I was turning left so we lost each other. I looked over my shoulder to give a smug sneer just as he glanced back smirking. The porky bastard. I definitely won. 1-0 Kat